the rant of friendship

Pride is a sin, so we are told. Sometimes, sure. Too much, too little, either way I can see it as a sin. But other times, I find it to be the core of what makes us human, what makes us who we are, that allows us to look ourselves in the mirror, and get up in the morning.

We are, I think, when you come down to it the sum of our lives. We are who we are raised to be, the society we were raised in, the people we wanted to grow up like, the people we did not want to grow up like. We learn from everything we go through, everything we suffer for, everything we sob for, yearning, bleeding, crying, reaching, even what comes easy; these are thinks that make us up. Pride is made up out of the worst moments in our lives and how we dealt with them. It is made out of the best moments of our lives too.

I take pride in myself for a great many things; crying on the bus, for instance. I was one of those kids who were mercilessly picked on up until High School. I'm proud that I never took that experience, and turned it, so that I could become a bully and build myself up that cruel way.

I am also proud, that when it came down to it, when I was in danger, I fought back. There is nothing in life that washes away a horrible nightmare, but what does come close is knowing that you didn't start hysterically sobbing when it became important to take action in a now or never, Jack Bauer-esque sense.

And I am proud, that when I need help, when I am in the depths of inner turmoil, and nothing seems like it is ever going to be right again, that I have friends to turn to and family to lean upon. Nothing can go wrong in my life, that between us, we can't fix. Nothing.

And I want others to feel this way. To be happy with who they are, and what stands they've made in their lives, the good times and the bad, the worst moments; perhaps there is no way to make them right or better, but there is a way to say that I did what I had to so that I could look at myself in the mirror and respect me.

Sometimes forgiveness is wrong. I think sometimes, if you let someone say sorry and you say I forgive you, this is taken as carte blanche to do more wrong. I don't mean this in a “I ate the last Hot Pocket” way. I mean the big stuff. I see families on the news, at the final hearing for some person who killed their daughter and they get up there and forgive the murderer. And theres some crying, and everyone is sorry, and the bad man goes off to die.

I cannot imagine, that if someone killed someone I know and love, that I could forgive this person. I can't. No amount of forgiveness is going to replace my friend. No amount of apology is going to bring them back. And no amount of either is going to make what that person did acceptable. There's no explanation. No reason. And if you forgive them, in that odd modern sense of moving on, aren't you tarnishing your friend's memory? Saying, I'll say these magic words, and let go, and then my life will return to normal, because then I won't hate you for what you took from me. In some situations, forgiveness turns into something ugly thats seems more like “I'll let this slide” rather than a word of cleansing and renewal.

Mom thinks I'm bitter. She says I'm pessimistic. And that one day, maybe I'll be the one cheating, and then how am I going to feel about my sense of pride and the words I've been speaking.

And I tell her I won't. I won't ever be that person.

She scoffs.

And she's wrong. I won't. You know why?

I have a sense of pride. I know my worth, I know who I am, and I know what I'll do.

And when you read this you-know-who-you-are I want you to think. Not bad thoughts, or angry ones, or even sad ones. I want you to weigh all of this up; the anger, the fear, the suffering, and you decide how much you're worth to you. How much you have to put up with. How much you're not getting back. And how things are not going anywhere. I want you to think about old wrongs, and new ones, and I want you to do what you have to do.

And I want you to know, that I am always here for you, that I will listen to whatever you say, and that even if you aren't angry I am, and that I will always stand up with you. I will always take your side, I will always care about you, and that there is never any need for you to suffer over something without halving the problem with me.

Got it?